a light in the dark
a light in the dark
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Living Without Her

Willow stirred as she felt the warm sun on her exposed skin. She opened her 
eyes and turned over to face the other side of the bed.
She stopped when she realised what she was doing. She was expecting to see 
Tara. But, of course, she didn't. She wasn't there.
The little redhead frowned and closed her eyes again, silently telling 
herself how stupid she was. This was happening every single morning. She was 
so used to waking up and seeing her lover.
It had been about a month now. A whole month living without her.
It had been so hard, especially to begin with. She still felt as if a huge 
part of her was missing, but it wasn't so bad now she had had some time.
The witch had had so much time, just spare time to sit alone and think. To 
think about her life with Tara, what happened just after she died, and what 
would happen in the future.
She remembered waking one morning, about two weeks ago, expecting to see the 
blond beauty lying next to her, and when she didn't it felt as if her world 
had been torn away...Again.
But then it came to her. She wasn't supposed to waste her life as she was, 
she was supposed to cherish it. In that moment she felt so sure and 
Life is special, you never know how little you have of it until the end 
Tara's end came all too early. Yet she suddenly realised that she had to 
move on, to live her life to the full.
Willow opened her eyes again and sat up.
The room was different, she had taken out some of the objects which carried 
too painful memories, but some things of Tara's were still there, to remind 
Willow looked up from where she sat at the kitchen counter. Buffy was at the 
cooker making breakfast.
The little slayer had been making her pancakes almost every morning this 
week. She remembered when Tara asked did that.
"Funny shapes." She simply answered. Funny shapes or rounds, that was what 
Tara offered.
Buffy smiled, "Funny shapes it it." She was so glad that her best friend was 
over the drinking.
After breakfast, Buffy and Willow had planned to go shopping. Willow was 
pleased that the blond was being so understanding. It was what she so badly 
The two young woman set out on the way into town.
Buffy glanced at the redhead walking beside her and sighed within, she loved 
this girl so much, she wished that she could protect her, even from her own 
Willow felt and petite hand slip into her own and squeezed it gently, 
thanking Buffy for her support.
She was one of the most important people to the redhead, along with the 
beautiful blond witch, of course.
"I'm here."
"I know, Buffy." Willow replied in a voice just above a whisper.
"How about this?" Buffy suggested and picked up a fluffy sweater.
The redhead grinned, "Cute." It was black and had a little picture of a 
bumble bee on the front.
"Cute is just what you need, miss Rosenberg, and I'm gonna see that you get 
it." She stated, a smile seeling the promise.
For the first time since the terrible day that changed her life happened, 
Willow wasn't thinking of Tara. The slayer was filling her thoughts. The 
redhead felt so loved and cared for, something in the weeks after losing her 
love she had felt alienated to.
Without a word of warning, the witch threw her arms around Buffy's shoulders 
and hugged her tightly, tears welling up in her eyes.
After the blond's initial surprise, she held her friend close. When they 
pulled away, Buffy saw a thing that she hadn't in a long time. Willow was 
smiling, really smiling.
Willow turned over lazily in her bed, letting her arm fall over the side, 
her face barely resting on the mattress. Something caught her eye on the 
floor, almost all the way under the bed.
She realised what it was after taking a closer look. It was a whiskey 
bottle. A little of the liquid still remaining.
She closed her eyes tight and hoped the memories would go away. Bad 
memories. The ones she didn't ever want to remember.
All she wanted was to be happy and free of the torments that held her for 
She opened her eyes, which were now filled with tears, and resumed looking 
at the bottle.
It must have been missed when Buffy had cleared her room of all the bad 
Pity she couldn't clear away all the bad things in Willow's head.
The bottle seemed to be enticing her. Telling her to come closer, just the 
way the creepy killers did in the movies.
She knew she shouldn't even touch it, not even to move it out of her line of 
Yet she did.
But it wasn't to get it out of the room. She picked it up.
It was cold and hard against her skin. A chill ran through her body as she 
tightened her grip on it.
The redhead brought it up to eye level. Leaning on her elbows, she clasped 
her other hand around it as well.
As it tipped slightly, the liquid that inhabited the glass container sloshed 
to the other end.
Without quite knowing why, Willow swept one of her finger-tips up the length 
of the bottle, then took the lid into her hand and unscrewed it.
The smell that emitted from the opening filled her senses and she let her 
eyes slide close for a moment, then opening them again.
She started to pull the bottle to her lips, as if it was the most normal 
thing to do, but stopped herself short.
Her faced was masked with confusion and guilt. And disgust.
Disgust because of what she was about to do. She knew that she had a problem 
with alcohol recently. And only with the help of Buffy she had been able to 
get over it. Or so she thought.
She threw the whiskey bottle to the floor and it shattered on impact, 
spilling it's contents onto the carpet.
The slayer's head snapped up from her book as she heard a piercing scream 
tear through the air.
She rushed up the stares and crashed into Willow's bedroom. She saw the 
broken bottle on the floor and the little witch on her bed. Her head was 
buried in the pillows and her body was shaking.
Buffy touched her hand to the redhead's quaking shoulder and she tilted her 
head up to look at her best friend, her brow furrowed and her cheeks 
streaked with tears.
The blond looked down to the shattered glass again and back up to her 
friend, "Oh, Willow."
"B-Buffy," Her voice wavered, "I..."
"Sshh," The slayer soothed, smoothing Willow's hair as she sat down on the 
bed and pulled the witch into her arms.
"I almost - "
"Almost. You stopped yourself, Will. You didn't do it." She closed her eyes 
as she felt pangs of pain for the other young woman deep in her chest.
"But I...I wanted to..." Willow managed through her sobs.
Willow sat with a blank expression on her face. Her hair was wet from the 
shower, but she hadn't even felt the water trickle over her skin.
Buffy had helped to subside the tears that made their constant assault on 
Willow's cheeks. She had convinced her to take a shower, to wash it all 
But it didn't help. The redhead still felt the inner pain and guilt for what 
she did.
She had no idea of what she was supposed to do, how she was to get through 
what was happening.
Her skin felt like it was crawling, her insides threatened to turn 
themselves inside-out, and her heart ached.
She couldn't bare it, though she kept so still, even a tiny movement would 
spin the tears into action again. She knew it, felt it.
All Willow wanted was Tara.
But that wasn't ever going to happen again. The redhead felt a wave of 
emotion tear through her body and she finally moved as the pain reached her 
heart and gripped it in its sharp embrace.
The sudden movement almost threw the little witch from the bed, but she held 
onto the edge tightly, closing her eyes tight.
Would this last forever? Is this what her life would always be like?
The answer came to Willow that night when she finally got to sleep.
She dreamed of her love, Tara. The gently moonlight graced her smiling face 
and her eyes flickered as images of the beautiful blond inhabited her brain.
But this wasn't like the other dreams she had had about the other Wiccan. 
No, this was defiantly different.
In the dream Tara presented herself as Buffy. The redhead though this was 
strange. But why would it be? The slayer was her best friend, of course she 
was going to relate her to her girlfriend.
They had kissed and time had stood still. The way their bodies melted 
together and their lips explored the others' excited her.
Was she moving on with her life or just realising something that was always 
When Willow awoke a smile graced her beautiful face, "I love you." She said 
both to Tara and to Buffy.